okay... well, i went to the salon yesterday, got the wax.
now i remember why i've been nairing for the past 4 years. holy crow! pain.
so i get there, the woman was like "is this your first time?" i told her it's been a while.
so, i drop the skort (had the undies on still folks.)
i felt the need to apologize to her because, not for nothing, i am going to get a little personal here (since telling you i was getting waxed ISN'T... am I right, ladies!?)
anyway, not for nothing, but i, eh, well, since i haven't been in a bathing suit since last summer AND because apparently I've lost the key to my chastity belt - let's just say I could've made a lot of money as a 70s porn star down there (no. I'm not talking about a penis, jackass. I am talking about the fact that it looked like i had a muppet living in my fruit of the looms -- yes. FotL... vickie's secret hasn't been on my heinie in a couple of years.)
now, when I say muppet, i don't mean that things are crazy colors. just a little unruly.
so i'm cracking jokes trying to put her at ease (that sounds a little too lesbian-esque. but, when there's someone standing over you with hot wax dripping off a tongue depressor and is about to cause you extreme pain by smearing it all along the sides of your... your... bikini area -- i wanted to say crotch, but, that's unladylike -- well, you kinda want to put people at ease so they don't think "oh she's a bitch, i can totally make her walk like a penguin with crabs for the next 3 days"...)
so, i'm there. she's there, the jokes are there (she was laughing by the way - thank god)
the wax was there, the cloth strips were there, and the pain was definitely there.
first the left side - i had to lay down with my left leg bent and then to the side (like when you do a weird stretch.)
let me tell you, ermmm... laying there while she's futzing around spreading wax there and then ripping it off without warning (although, after years of getting the eyebrows done, you KNOW when the last pause before the rip happens... )
must've ripped about 7 times on the left side, then she started moving my underpants in (tied with a piece of cloth to give her more "workin' room") and she said "how far in do you want to go?" (yes. i know. porny.)
i said "i think we're good right there" because i was dying and only the left side had been done. i mean, really it was fine, it's not like anything is gonna be sticking out of my suit because, folks, the suit isn't exactly what one would call skimpy (and my other suits have a skirt on 'em)
onto the right side.... OH! no! wait... still on the left side...
she tells me to raise my leg and bend it into my chest while still lying down.
what the?
all of a sudden wax is being ladled onto my ass and all of a sudden RRRRRRRRIP!!!!
FUCK!
my ass. seriously? the muppet had crawled back that far and was hanging out near the backdoor?
and she just ripped it all off in one fell swoop???
well, if THAT isn't embarrassing, i don't know what is (i really should've gone to the korean girl down the street who just smiles and giggles and doesn't speak english in front of me... even though you KNOW that they're talking smack about you to the others...but anyway. i didn't, i went to a full-blooded, english speaking american who was now ripping hair off my ass. off my ASS! *hanging head in shame*)
so that was the left side. now we had to do the same thing on the right side.
and so she begins smearing the wax onto the bikini line again. this time i notice that she's really going to town and adding more wax.
so I say "jesus, this side's gonna be a monster"
and she says "well, you were pretty uneven and there's more on this side"
okay, i don't remember if i blushed first or if i thought "oh god, this is going to be painful!" first.
in any event, i was caught off-guard and hadn't had a chance to do my faux lamas before she ripped half of what could've had my vagina attached to it. (for those who are taking me literally.... don't worry, the vagina is still attached to me.)
she then seemed to have about 4 hands which had machine gun-style RIP, RIP, RIP, RIP!!! to the right side...
i didn't want to look down for fear of seeing my flesh gone and bone exposed.
and then it was time to move my leg up. and towards the chest.
up. and towards the chest.
up
and
towards
the
chest.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
hot ass wax.
no really. hot ASS wax.
RRRRRRRRRIP!!!
OW! (a single Demi Moore Ghost tear slid down the right side of my face --- i was gonna say "cheek" but didn't want to confuse you since I was just talking about that area)
she then asked "do you want the top done?"
"nope. we're good. thanks. wearing a one piece - no one's gonna see the top. the muppet never crawled up that far, it's not like it was heading up my stomach and living between my boobs" (i may have only said "no. but thanks!")
then she held a mirror up to my coodle (euphemism.) and showed me the newly shorn do. (it's not a Brazilian. god help you insane people that get THOSE done.)
all looked swellegant. really, it's lovely. the muppet was tamed and is now going to be in a spandex cage and contained for the next 10 days.
so she rubbed things down with the antiseptic cream stuff --- also so my clothes wouldn't stick to it. ow.
and we were done.
well... done with the bikini wax...
onto the eyebrows!
Whatchoosayin'?? (20 yapped)
wait... you had your ass waxed?
if so, awesome
Posted by furiousball | June 19, 2008 10:44 AM
Oh-MY GOSH-I've never laughed so hard in my life--of course never having it done (I'm 2 old, I think). Hope it gives you the confidence to strut your stuff on your cruise- some comfort for the pain.
Posted by Kathy | June 19, 2008 11:27 AM
Wow. I think I could use a cigarette about now.
Posted by Manatee | June 19, 2008 11:42 AM
I feel your pain girl!!! With every description I twinged...anyway....have a GREAT trip...Bon Voyage :)
Posted by Stacy | June 19, 2008 11:55 AM
Woman! I needed that laugh. I was muffling my laughter while reading this at work. Thank you!
Oh, I know the pain!!
Posted by Rachel | June 19, 2008 12:16 PM
Ahhhh Yes - the ass-wax a'la "Duece Bigolow"
I had visions of the scene from "40-Year Old Virgin" going through my head as I read your post. I had to stiffle my laughter because I'm at work, **snort**, //snicker//, ++chuckle++!!! :^@
I have to tell you, though, the panty line really doesn't hurt as bad as the upper lip on the face!
[note from GC: oh... my panty line does. the lip is nothing. the bikini area was 25 minutes of torture]
Posted by Carol | June 19, 2008 12:20 PM
Oh dear God! This is just a reminder of why I never have and never will do the bikini wax. I do just fine with a razor and the occasional scissor trim thank goodness. I will happily save the waxing for eyebrows. I am sorry GC, I laughed oh so loudly but I swear it was at your description and not the actual self imposed torture. Muppet.....love it!
Posted by Denise | June 19, 2008 1:06 PM
I vote this post one of your top ten.
[note from GC: Thanks Lem!! then the pain was all worth it :} ]
Posted by Lem | June 19, 2008 1:54 PM
Ouch, says one muppet to the other!
Posted by Tricia | June 19, 2008 2:11 PM
OMG! I'm not laughing at your pain....heck yeah-I AM laughing at your pain but you did describe it so well. Have a great time gal!
[note from GC: Definitely posted it for people to laugh at my pain :} Thanks! looking forward to the cruuuuuuuuise!]
Posted by sidhewlf | June 19, 2008 2:16 PM
o.u.c.h. i'm still cringing. *shudder*
Posted by kerry | June 19, 2008 11:03 PM
Hey Erin,
I can't remember ever laughing harder at one of your posts. Have a wonderful cruise! Now at least if you have too much to drink on your birthday and feel the need to moon, you will have a well trimmed ass!
Posted by Julie | June 20, 2008 9:39 AM
Ever think of doing "stand-up"? I'm in tears.
Posted by Jim | June 21, 2008 8:02 PM
HA HA, yeah, I totally thought of Steve Carrell in the 40 Year Old Virgin when he yells out "KELLY CLARKSON!"
Posted by PeeWee | June 21, 2008 9:44 PM
OMG! This is the funniest blog I've ever read (Via Sandee.....)
I hope you have the best vacation ever...you certainly paid for it! Yeow!
Posted by Nancy | June 24, 2008 10:56 AM
Haha Good on ya gallie!! i went for a wax today.. the full kit and OUCH!! the only problem is.. the lady.. wax me ass. so now i have to back again.. *sulks* the pain we go through to look good...
Ps, must kill my boyfriend.
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