i've been on facebook reliving good ol' college glory via a friend's photos... and she'd posted a comment:
"(We won't mention the word "extensions".)"
I didn't think anyone knew and she posted:
"There are no secrets at UArts, bwah, ha, ha, ha, ha! Everyone felt bad about it for you."
oh dear... well I may as well share the full story (i'd done a podcast about it a few years ago, alas, i think that podcast has been deleted...)
So, I searched my blog and found the story that I'd posted back in 2002 about the "incident" that happened in 1991... [original post]
inspired by snazzykat's hair story i figured i would write about mine. this is long. seriously. long.
although which one should i choose? hmmmmm? i am a magnet for hair horror stories.
should i choose the shaved head look? no, i liked that.
how about the old lady cutting my hair the day before my grandfather's funeral when i was 12... and she created a "punk look" (old ladies should not try to create a "Punk Look")... i had class pictures the next day, so for all of eternity my 7th grade photo will look like Gossamer the just add water monster from Bugs Bunny.
but that's not the worst one... neither is the time when i had my hair frosted (with a cap) and my hair was short in the back... i came out with leopard spots on my head.
the worst was *sigh* ::sit down for this one::
it all started back in 1991... i had short hair. i was sick of it. i wanted to have long hair like my friends. i wanted to be able to brush it. i longed for the moment when i could pull it back into one of those "new-fangled" scrunchies. but i couldn't. i would have to wait.
this wouldn't do.
i being of the spoiled-brat-instant-gratification persuasion wanted long hair and i WANTED IT NOW!!!! (picture veruca salt from willy wonka. my hero.)
so mom and i trekked off to the Ocean Township Hair Replacement Center. Because the Jersey Shore is "known" for hair weaves, right?!
yes. i was going there to get an estimate on a weave. crazy white girl from the shore.
the appraised my head at $800.
WHAT!?!?! Eight Hundred Dollars!?!? crap. mom wasn't gonna fork that kinda dough over. I would have to wait.
or would i? (insert evil suspense noise: "Dun Dun Duh DUH!!!" while i raise one eyebrow.)
see, i had an apartment in philadelphia still. i was going to school there, it was summer though so i was home. anyway i drove out to philly, pocketed $300 and stayed overnight.
I looked through the Philly Yellow Pages for a Weave Specialist... mind you, a "CHEAP" weave specialist... A-HA! one that said they could do it for $250!!!! woo!!! so the appointment was set. before i had it done, i went to the store and bought hairclips and scrunchies and hair gel and all kinds of hair goodies!!!
i was so excited!!! HAIR~!!!! (yes i started singing "Aquarius" - i don't know the "hair" song, just the "aquarius" song)
so i reach the place. it's in an alley in philly. it's dark. i had to climb up 4 flights of stairs.
did i turn back? no.
when the 2 oriental [ed. yes. i wrote "oriental", i should probably have written "asian"] woman opened the door and i saw a sparse room without mirrors did i run out of the door?
no.
when i saw the glass case filled with hair - the one that i had to choose my hair out of like it was a 2 pound lobster... did i leave?
no. i was THIS close to having a full head of luxurious hair cascading down my back.
they sit me down and over the next few hours proceeded to glue the hair onto my head.
GLUE!?!?!? (oh, you caught that?)
yes. glue. but keep in mind, i am crazy naive white cracker girl from the 'burbs of jersey... i thought this was what they called a "weave"
they proceed to say "we match hair color"... ehmmm... okay. so i go through a dye process with what feels like a mane of thick beautiful hair on my scalp.
they dry it. they say "feel. feel nice. yes?"
remember... no mirrors.
dum-dum (uh... that's me) pays them. tips them. and walks down the stairs to the street. i look in the distorted glass of the store windows, and all i can see is hair! shoulder length hair!!! YAY!!!!! so so so happy!
i walk back to my car to drive home... and all the guys are checking me out!! woo!! my life is gonna change since i have the rapunzel look going on!!!
i begin to drive home (after i pull my hair back into a scrunchy...)
a few truckers honk their horns and are smiling!!! yay! (not that my goal was to attract truckers, but, still... at least women wouldn't hit on me and my short hair again!!!)
i make it home - run into the house and show my mother.
whose face went pale. mine did not. apparently my face turned pink and blotchy. hives. yes. i was allergic to the hair.
i look into the full mirror. i have fake (or was it Yak?) African American Curly Nappy Spirals hanging off of my head. But not all over my head. only in 4 strips. the rest of the head was short hair.
the main color is Black. the other colors on my head were an orange and a light brown.
WHAT!?!?
so my mother starts crying. then laughing. then YELLING at me. she grabs my arm, throws me in the car and proceeds to drive me around to 3 of her friends' houses to show them, and i think to ridicule me. she made me go into town and have dinner with her.
all the while i am starting break out with acne or hives or something... and i can't get the hair off. it's "bonded" to my scalp. and it's beginning to become sore between my pulling and the allergies.
we go home, i run up to my room. lock the door and begin crying hysterically.
mom starts screaming. she thinks that i am going to kill myself.
so she calls the Wall Township Police.
they break down my door. it's 2 guys i went to high school with - cute ones of course. 2 of them. two that i'd had crushes on for 3 years. i HADN'T planned on killing myself, but there i was fantasizing about making a leap for one of their guns to put myself out of my misery. but i didn't.
I made it through the night. had to cut my hair off. so it wouldn't touch my face. ah, but the glue and the rest of the hair was still stuck to my head.
mom drove me back to the Ocean Township Hair Replacement Center where for 8 hours straight, 9 women (including my mother) sat around my head with empty hot glue guns and melted the hair off of me. yes. i swear to God. on top of the allergic hives, the pimples, the swollen eyes and nose, i was now being burnt by glue guns in my scalp and on my ears.
the cost for the "Hair Recovery"? $950
great. and i still had to sit with olive oil on my head covered by a plastic bag for 4 days as i picked out the leftover glueballs witha lice comb.
after that, i learned patience. and i grew my hair.... on my own
Welcome to the YapFest (756 yapped)
ah, memories.
aaahhhh......JEEPERS Girlie! LOL :D yeah, well it's funny now looking back, but how horrifying! rotflmao! no wonder people were looking at you!!!!
Don't worry....all that laughing you hear? We are laughing WITH you, not AT you!
Here ya go! The chorus is what you got and the last line of the song sums up your experience with your mom and her friends pretty well (Sorry GM, and I'd probably laugh hysterically, too) BTW, my mom once gave me a home perm, and when she realized my bangs were too long, she cut them with pinking shears(sp?) those sewing scissors that cut in a zig-zag pattern. Yeah, and even the nuns laughed at me.
She asks me why...I'm just a hairy guy (or Giggle chick)
I'm hairy noon and night; Hair that's a fright. I'm hairy high and low,
Don't ask me why; don't know!
It's not for lack of bread
Like the Grateful Dead; darling
Gimme a head with hair, long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen
Give me down to there, hair!
Shoulder length, longer (hair!)
Here baby, there mama, Everywhere daddy daddy
Hair! (hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair)
Flow it, Show it;
Long as God can grow it, My Hair!
Let it fly in the breeze and get caught in the trees
Give a home to the fleas in my hair
A home for fleas, a hive for bees
A nest for birds, there ain't no words
For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder of my hair
CHORUS
I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy
Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
Oily, greasy, fleecy, shining
Gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen
Knotted, polka-dotted; Twisted, beaded, braided
Powdered, flowered, and confettied
Bangled, tangled, spangled and spaghettied!
O-oh, Say can you see; my eyes if you can,
Then my hair's too short!
Down to here, down to there,
Down to where, down to there;
It stops by itself!
doo doo doo doo doot-doot doo doo doot
They'll be ga-ga at the go-go
when they see me in my toga
My toga made of blond, brilliantined, Biblical hair
My hair like Jesus wore it
Hallelujah I adore it
Hallelujah Mary loved her son
Why don't my Mother love me?
It's actually funnier to read than to hear the story in person from both you and Mom. Post more horror stories from the past please.
Oh my god! Don't have anything close to that hair horror story but there was an incident of perm rods worn overnight to get a "Annie" style hairdo for Halloween once when I was a kid (not a pretty picture).
I have often thought of adding extensions.... I will no longer think of it.... but if I do, I'll think of you and fo' sho' rethink. I was ROFLMAO!!! Happy Friday! Have a great weekend!
I'm sorry but I'm laughing out loud at this. I have paid for (and gotten) cheap haircuts before, but this sounds so much worse. Police involvement? Gah.
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