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she talks to herself
the conversation is becoming quite intense.
a fight has erupted. violence.
she's beating herself up - mentally.
blaming herself for things in the past.
torturing herself for what's happening presently.
assuming the worst will happen in the future.
yet the worst is actually taking place as she speaks.
she is an enemy of herself.
breaking down what is left of her brittle shell of self-love.
fighting all that is left of her esteem.
mentally kicking herself in the gut.
feeling wretched about her life, wretched enough to vomit.
it's a circle, a never-ending spiral plummeting towards Hell.
or is this hell?
nothing could be worse than hating yourself.
not giving yourself a chance to be forgiven.

it is hell.

feeling as if you are on this planet
just standing watching others succeed.
watching everything you do crumble before your eyes.
paranoia sets in and everyone is against you,
laughing and sneering ridiculing you.
you take it to heart and the cycle continues
as you go against yourself.
the same words said by others are now being repeated
over and over
by the one person i am afraid of -
by the one i don't want to disappoint -
by the one and only person i believe -



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