rolling home
on the train
you said you love me.
an hour before
you said we were through.
then you say stay over.
laying beside you
my heart is racing
you hold me.
we nuzzle,
putting off our kisses
then our lips
meet
i drown, i am one with
you
you love me
you love me
skips through my head
over and over
then i wonder
did you mean
friendship love
or
regular old heart fluttering
palpitation
love?

i never
ask
the
right
questions.

she talks to herself
the conversation is becoming quite intense.
a fight has erupted. violence.
she's beating herself up - mentally.
blaming herself for things in the past.
torturing herself for what's happening presently.
assuming the worst will happen in the future.
yet the worst is actually taking place as she speaks.
she is an enemy of herself.
breaking down what is left of her brittle shell of self-love.
fighting all that is left of her esteem.
mentally kicking herself in the gut.
feeling wretched about her life, wretched enough to vomit.
it's a circle, a never-ending spiral plummeting towards Hell.
or is this hell?
nothing could be worse than hating yourself.
not giving yourself a chance to be forgiven.

it is hell.

feeling as if you are on this planet
just standing watching others succeed.
watching everything you do crumble before your eyes.
paranoia sets in and everyone is against you,
laughing and sneering ridiculing you.
you take it to heart and the cycle continues
as you go against yourself.
the same words said by others are now being repeated
over and over
by the one person i am afraid of -
by the one i don't want to disappoint -
by the one and only person i believe -

me.

we collapse, exhausted in each others arms
drifting quickly into a pleasant slumber
images of you permiate my dreams
i can feel you clenching me tight,
not wanting you to let go,
ever.
i feel your gentle kisses
running up and down my neck and arms
am i asleep?
i am hovering between
sleep and consciousness
i nestle into your chest and
pull your arms tighter
i stare at your unshaven morning scruff
your hair tousled from the previous evening
the sunlight over your body
your green eyes glistening,
smiling
knowing
i am thinking only of you at this
precise moment in time.

we'll always have paris
he said.
i hadn't met him yet.
though his eyes
said
we had.
i've known him
(forever)
just about
two weeks
his laugh
rings
in my ears
my heart
feels the
beat
of his
i can't
stop
thinking of him.
i won't forget
the little
parisian cafe
and what he said
to me
under the eiffel tower
before we met.

odd.
i am.
you knew.
so why?
you touch my voice.
i respond
approvingly
why is this?
dutch coffee
is cold now
half finished
like us
we just met.
tasting sweet
hot and good.
first.
then set
to cool,
turn
bitter
and murky.
what is
this?
can it be renewed?
with the same
flavour
creamy
buttery
hot and good
too much at
first hits me
and leaves
distaste if
indulged too
suddenly.
but sipped
before cooling
getting to know
bit by bit
swallow by swallow
knowing intimately
slowly
lasting
so everything may
be
savoured
instead of
pouring a
half full
mug
down a
cold
steel
drain.

i saw him today
he looked right at me -
smiled
then turned away
i think my heart -
stopped.
i saw him again -
later
he tapped on the door
of the room
that only i was in.
he smiled, waved and -
turned away.

like a fool, i spout forth feelings.
my mouth doesn't listen to my mind
and takes matters into it's own hands
not caring if it's on the verge of ruining
something special
that had been moving along at a good clip.
mouth and mind not working together.
mind wants mouth to become still.
it cannot control it's senseless babbling
out of control.
mouth.
mouth
longing for your kiss.
mind.
mind
yearning to hear you reiterate mouth's words
mind's feelings.
mouth, mind frightening you away.
while heart stares paralyzedafter you.
heart.
heart
swelling at the thought of you.
heart.
heart
holding still seemingly not breathing while it awaits
your answer to mouth's freewheeling comments.
heart.
heart
frozen with anticipation.
mind.
mind
reeling with embarrassment.
mouth.
mouth
trembling waiting eagerly to be kissed.
swept up into a fairy tale mind.
mind
dancing lightly in your arms wearing tiny glass slippers.
heart.
heart
beating in synch with yours
your heart.
my heart.
heart
staring through plates of glass edged in a golden lace
at your heart wishing to break it free of barriers that
confine it
to meld together in it's own tale.
heart. mind. mouth.
working seperately
hoping together.
mouth.
mouth
hearing words that aren't the same as mind.
mind
blaming mouth for taking its most sacred thought and
revealing it to your mind mouth and most of all
heart.
heart
trapped,
guarded,
gilded
heart
dangling for my
mouth mind heart
to see and wish for.
teasing taunting
while your mouth and mind stand close and closed.
keeping trespassers at a safe distance.
my mouth mind heart
stand in awe
staring
wanting
longing
yearning
hoping
for a day when the guards turn their backs while
mouth mind heart
steal your
heart
away.

zingbangers!
they step lightly
across
the carpet in my room
each night
so they can
chew on the fringes
of my bedspread
they're not at all
ugly
in fact it pleases me
when they belch from
having too much
afghan
their eyes bulge out
even more than
normal
and they smell like
sweet wild strawberries
when they travel close to my
face
they are much like iguanas
except for the fact they
have fur and whiskers
for some strange
reason
my intruders leave
when my
alarm clock
rings
- i suppose they
are
afraid.

the motor's running
they screamed
i didn't care
i was in my own world
where only i was important
quite a change
hurry up dammit
they cried
i didn't care
they weren't in my
world
this place catered to me
all i had to do was sit and
eat mallowmars
we're late
they bellowed
i didn't care
i was listening to my
personal choir
sing me lullabies
and hush me to sleep
you are so slow
they said as their
headsbegan to shake
their way into
my world
their fingers pointed at
me through the breaking mist
their steps broke the
boundaries
between my world
and theirs
they grabbed my arms
and dragged me out
out of my imagination
they looked back
and spat on my dreams