my life is one bad movie trailer....

February 20th, 2001

good god.

it's 2am on tuesday the 20th. and i have off tomorrow (took 2 days vacation...but that's not important right now.)

i am sitting on my couch watching tv. i hear rustling and see shadows on my wall... at this point refer back to my rant a few days ago (bad day rant) where my window blind/shade thang fell down.

anyway, i am watching the tv and shadows on the wall and i stand up in all my unsexy glory (green fleece beret, hole-ridden t-shirt, baggy pj bottoms, slippers, and oh...let us not forget my kiehl's face mask.) and i see this 6'2" tall black guy with a red wool cap climbing in the bushes outside of my window... i look at him and put my hands on my hips in a "what the fuck do you think you're doing" stance and either that or my face mask frightened him and he ran...


and i start to think, should i call the cops? the peeping tom guy HAS been back about 3 times in the past month and a half, but i never saw or caught him. just heard rustling and the porch light would turn on... this time i actually had a description.

yes. i called the cops. yes. i lied and said my shade JUST fell down an hour ago (in all actuallity {sp?} i haven't gotten around to taping it or buying a new one...

so i am waiting for the cops - thinking 'they won't get here in time to find the guy' when all of a sudden i hear more rustling...

the asshole is BACK for more... jeezuz. so i open my front door (yes. i know. i know. stupid move. i am a dolt.)the light goes on, the guy trips and falls over the bushes, runs out of my gate...when all of a sudden, my knights in shining badges pull up and jump out of the car and tackle the guy...

at this moment the sound of a dying whale is piercing the night air... AAAAAAUUUOOOOOGHGHHHHH WAAAHUUUUGHHHHHHH EEEEGGHGHHHHHHH!!


i hear the cops talking to the guy... he is deaf. apparently his girlfriend who is deaf also is my neighbor and the police are now looking at me like i am a bitch because i called the cops on a big deaf guy. no apparently it doesn't matter that he was looking in my window. the guy wrote his girlfriend's name on a piece of paper and then gave the police a wrong phone number for this woman - and now i am the evil one.

i have had peeping toms sitting outside my house on previous occasions. i have been stalked and actually had a guy attempt to attack me at the edge of the park. do you BLAME me for calling the cops?

the attacker thing happened a few years ago around 11pm. i was coming off the path train and this guy that always seemed to be around when i was - just happened to be in the station sitting down reading the paper, i get off the train - he gets up, says hello and starts walking next to me up the stairs.

there were no cabs that night - and i am a huge fan of taxis, but i chose to walk the few blocks this time.

the guy follows me. okay, i am alert, i watched the Facts of Life when Natalie got attacked (sad, but this is the self defense school i had. television. scenes from the Facts, Rosanne and the Golden Girls started to whirl around my head at once... and i was on guard) i am getting closer to my home and the guy is at an even pace with me and says ' i am walking you home'

"no, that's okay, i am fine thanks" i said politely. at this point we were on the edge of the park. and NO i was not about to step foot into the park.

all of a sudden the guy grabs my left arm and tries to kiss me - he's 6' tall and has blonde hair and an israeli accent -

at this moment i strike his chin with the ball of my clenched right hand (courtesy of Rosanne)

he lets go. was i done? no.

i then get old school on his ass and use the tried and true knee to the groin move (sorry guys)

he doubles over.

was i done? no.

i kicked him in the back of the right knee and he fell down!~!!!

was i done? no.

i was pissed and in control.

i - wearing boots that night - proceeded to kick him 3 times in the stomach as he was curled up in a semi- fetal position and then, and only then, i ran like a bat out of hell and called the cops.

did they catch him? no.

has he been spotted since? no.

am i proud of this? i would be lying if i said no.

so deaf guy tonight lucked out. if i see him prowling in my bushes again, i don't care if he can't hear me... i WILL get Marlee Matlin on his ass, i swear. i think he's faking. i can sound deaf just as good as the next guy. yes i sound bitchy - but i think i am just trying to sound tough because this event freaked me the hell out.

note to self: buy new shade in the morning.



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