what the hell do i wanna do....

July 1st , 2001

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hey there all... sorry i have been pretty lax about updating the rants section... i have been enamoured by the weblogging that i have been doing.

so. here i am. 31(as of june 21st.) unemployed (as of June 19th) still renting (as of April 1997) unmarried (as of June 21st, 1970) at a standstill with the weightloss. at last count i was 160.8 (as of June 14th) since then i have not been following weight watchers and pretty much pigging out.

so. here i am.

a designer. by trade. although i seem to have no trade at the moment. so what do i really want to do? is this a crossroads in my life? is this God's way of saying "hey erin...get the hell off your ass and do something with this MyselfDamned life I gave you!!"

or no. is it just a time in my life where i kick back and become a slug. or just re-do my resumé and get back into webdesign wondering, fearfully, if i will be layed off a third time within a year.

i have many ideas for a line of greeting cards, a children's book, products...etc.

why don't i do anything about it/them? am i frightened? am i scared of failure or laughter (the not-so-good kind of laughter)

or am i the World's Greatest Procrastinator?

i think i just don't know the steps to take in the world of greeting cards. and i seem to doubt myself with my children's book. i have the idea, but when i sit down to write it... i get a block and a voice in my head says "erin...what the hell are you doing? you aren't a writer! you didn't go to school for that! you have no right to... well... write!"

yes. it's 3am on july 1st (actually 2nd) and i am sitting heavily on my pity pot. aren't you glad i decided to 'rant' again tonight?!

i bought the what color is your parachute book and just get bored opening it. (or is the reason i am not opening it because i am frightened to figure out what i want to do with the rest of my life?!)

i was making pretty good cash at digitas and am frightened that i will never make that much again, and here i am paying my mom's mortgage on top of paying rent (that just went up by the way) and other stinking bills. i got used to being 'comfortable' and now i am scared.

this is a pitiful rant. but since being layed off by xceed in september and now digitas, i feel burnt by the web. actually the last good job i had was at methodfive. i actually felt "needed" because there were only a handful of designers rather than a stable of them.

maybe i should just pool together my unemployment $$$ and go play roulette at harrah's in atlantic city.

ah. unemployment. just used their telephone registration process the other day for the first time. totally beats the time back in 1997 when i was let go from nine west and i had to actually go INTO the unemployment office. as if standing in line for UE isn't bad enough, i was dressed pretty shoddily that day...that wouldn't have mattered, except there must have been 10 or 12 models that had recently ended a gig and were ALSO filing for UE. so there we were... the swans and the ugly ducking waiting for the dole...

sounds pretty sad doesn't it?

well... it gets worse.

there we were. the superunemployed models, the flickering fluorescent lights above, the grayish yellow walls, the dingy yellowing signs in englaise y espanol telling us not to cheat the department of unemployment or death was certain...and me...

i look up and all of a sudden ABCNEWS cameras and pushy reporter were barging through the doorway, bright lights shining at me (hey...did i mention that i had one of the worst acne breakouts at the time and was about 190?)

good times.

i think i am gonna start to play the lottery daily and maybe hang out with the homeless beggar lady near the PATH train (the one that has a CD-walkman... I DON'T EVEN HAVE ONE OF THOSE!!!!)

maybe that's the plan. or hooking. but i doubt i could make $5 an evening. (har har)

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