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something electrical ...

October 31st, 2000

there is a restlessness that is stirring in me and i can't put a finger on it.

it somewhat reminds me of when i was in college and chafing at the bit wanting to move on, go forth, do something with my life... perhaps that is it... the next realm awaits... but right now i should be content... not sit down on my ass stagnant content, then you just are dead, you just have no drive... but i suppose that inner peace kind of content knowing that you are on the right track content...

am i?

not to whine in EVERY damned bit of writing.... maybe that's it.

maybe i am unsettled because i am afraid of not having something to complain about. is that it? a fear of being kosher with the way things are going? having to always have a little gripe or drama... is it a need for attention no matter how small, on my part? is it my only-brat complex... damn, i told my parents i wanted a brother and not just a dog.

i ran out of nyQuil. i can't even use that as an excuse for this bit of drivel :)

tired, continuing more tomorrow. yay.

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as chicken little said...

October 23rd, 2000

Wow! What a week I've had! Where shall I begin?

Okay, let's start with last Tuesday... after the yankees beat seattle... i was up late (go figure) and at around 2am i meander out to my kitchen to grab some water - details aren't necessary, but just to let you know i was NOT cracked out on coffee...

i notice the light is really dim, and i look up - only to see a pool of yellow water collecting in the cover of my kitchen light fixture (safe)... 'crap', says i. but then more expletives start to fly from my mouth after i see the drip, drip, drip from the fixture... i am thinking electricity + water = not a whole hell of a lot good.

the medium sized pot comes out of the cabinet and i write a note to my landlord, go outside and tape it to their front door... thinking it's 2am, i gotta get some sleep, and so do they, it's only a little drip...

okay, so it's 4am, i am sound asleep, dreaming of the weekend past... when i start to dream of hawaii and waterfalls... only to wake up to water pouring from the light fixture... i place about 5 pots and pans under the leaks... then i go into the bathroom... for reasons i do not have to explain... and there is water starting to drip from the trak lighting there... the casserole dish is placed in there...

ok, seeing as i am tired and i know they get up early upstairs, i figure it can wait (yes, i know... DUMB.)

6AM. 2 hours before i usually wake up... i am awakened NOT by the sound of my alarm... but the sound of my entire kitchen light crashing - wires & ceiling pieces, too - onto the floor and the pans...

i figure NOW was a good time to go chat with the landlord who actually was on his way down - see, i have the best landlords, seriously, i do -

so, since wednesday morning things have been being fixed... and i keep waking up at 6:30am... ugh.

oh well, it was the construction guys' fault... they didn't shut a pipe off or something when they were re-doing the heating upstairs or something...

so moral to THAT story is: no matter what time it is, wake others up if you see water pouring from something other than a faucet.

hmmmm... ok, what else, well, got an email from brian beck to do a show at the instant theater on November 3rd at 10pm... and the special guest is Colin Quinn... *sigh* he's just great... i remember watching Remote Control in the late 80's just to see him... and then a couple of years ago i saw his one man show in nyc -- brilliant.

now i gotta start writing more just so i don't freeze on stage and look like an ass to colin... oh sure if i look like an ass to the audience that's fine, i am used to THAT.

yesterday was eric's birthday (31) and i sent him the book, The Giving Tree, my favourite children's book - ever. It's a great story. I dunno, call me loopy, but, I have this urge to be his tree.

Yes. The story is kind of dysfunctional if you want to see it that way... the tree is always giving, giving, giving while the boy takes everything from the tree... but, heck, i grew up on that story, no wonder i am not married or in a decent relationship... i think i always thought of myself as the boy's character in the story and want to see if i can be the tree now.

Just hung up with eric, he called, i am acting strange on the phone these days, i would love to tell you it's because i am doing an eightball of Cherry Flavoured NyQuil & Alka-Seltzer Cold Cherry Blast, and while that MIGHT be a contributor to my loopiness, i think i am just nervous on the phone with him... granted, it's nice to feel nervous and have a bit of anticipation as to what's next or if there's anything on the horizon, etc. etc... but i don't want to act like an ass/giggling schoolgirl saying "so what's new with you?" 5 times in 20 minutes... *sigh*

I think I just am nervous because all these old feelings have been stirred up from the bottom sediment of my heart after last weekend, and i am not sure of myself or of what he's feeling or thinking or what-have-you, and of course, there's the tattoo of my heart on my right bicep that came into light on saturday when the book was received in royal oak...

maybe i should just drink the rest of the nyQuil and knock myself out this evening so i don't think anymore tonight or else this page will be 17 feet long.


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ahhh, a deep breath of fresh air...

October 16th, 2000

It's Monday! Life is grand! I have a nasty cold... and hopefully eric will not come down with the same :}

The wedding was really nice, and seeing eric was even better... i wish michigan and new jersey were a lot closer to each other, dagnabit. *sigh*

what was i bellyaching about previously? mickey? mickey who?

so my company moved some of us into their new office -- i have a window!! yay!! it overlooks the hotel giraffe and i can't wait till i can see nekkid hotel dwellers!! :}

i am loopy on robitussin right now, i ran out of cherry flavoured NyQuil... dammit.

anyone have a spare bucket of NyQuil they wanna send to me? has to be cherry flavoured and with the seal still intact!!

i will write more clearly tomorrow when this flu-like thang has vanished from my body!!

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ya' don't gotta go home,
but ya' can't stay here...

October 12th, 2000

well, it's the end of an era. the age of mickey is over. all that is left is the "shirt exchange". i have 3 of his shirts. tuesday he will get them back.

i did it. i broke up with him. in this age of technology, i did it via email.

i highly recommend this for people like me who have one thing in their mind perfectly articulated, and then start to cry and get flustered on the phone or in person to the other participant in a relationship. where the blurb of my email to him that states this calmly and rationally:

"mickey, i did care about you, i probably will still think of you, but the fact remains, that you only really care 100% about you. and there doesn't seem to be any room for anyone else. i don't really know if you will even pay attention to any of this note, or even comment on it, as you have told me that you don't care if someone breaks up with you, and that's a shame to be so hard-hearted at such a young age."

when i get on the phone or am in person in the middle of a breakup blow-up, usually I tend to start speaking in tongues:

"mickey, i loooove youuuuuuuu, we can't be over, i don't understand {add hyperventilation and tears here} why were we so good together once and now you aren't there, it's only been two months {add more tears} but why, what did I do wrong, how come you aren't talking to me, it's because I'm not a russian stripper isn't it {add tear-filled swelling stuffed up nose *sniffle* here} but can't we make this work? you don't care about me you never cared for me did you {raise voice with every word}"

seriously, that DID NOT happen, no tears, no swollen crying nose, no hyperventilation.... i love the internet. it keeps some of my dignity in tact, plus you can read and re-read your words over and over before and 45 times after you send the note off to meet the intended recipient.

i did, however, speak to him on the phone for an hour at lunchtime - after the emails. ironically it was the longest we have ever been on the phone. it was very calm, very neutral, very beige. although, i was thinking "hey, we really SHOULD try to work this out" because that's what i do, i analyze things and try and make them work... sort of a control issue i suppose. but knowing deep down "what's the point?" really, what is the point? not to be alone? it seemed i was alone many times during this stint with him.

BUT... after discussing the lack of "Pros" in the relationship it was calmly agreed upon that it was for the best. for our own sanity.

and surprisingly enough, a wave of relief has washed over me. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... now to focus on the career. *phew*

i will miss him though. i really will.

(stay tuned to the weekend saga/drama/escapades that may or may not happen.)

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my mind is a fickle thing to waste...

October 10th, 2000

hey there!! let's see, what's been going on? well, i have been in training at the new job for the past 2 days, so far this place ROCKS!!!! we are even having a volunteer day this friday and helping out at a camp for the blind... i am hoping to be part of the detail that will be building a miniature golf course!!

so i am excited as heck n' frothing at the mouth to start working on the AmericanExpress.com site...

on the "boyfriend" front... who the hell knows.?.?. had an inkling last night, when i was at the bar that he tends on mondays, when i asked if we could maybe get together on thursday and he said "I might be busy" that he was itching to go to the yankees game... when i was IMing him today he told me "I am really swamped over here at work, gonna be working late all week, the boss just gave me a bunch of stuff to do"... poor thing i thought. i even offered to run a few errands for him like the good little co-dependant that i am.

cut to later that evening at 8:30pm... call him on the cel phone to say hi and also see if he can help me fix my bed (long story sort of). he answers the phone AT THE YANKEE GAME, and proceeds to get pissed that i called. (i didn't mention to you that last night i actually had said to him "hey the 2 of us should get tix to the yankees playoffs, i would love to go to a game"...)

so. i think that this little "fib" is gonna go on the Con side of the list. unfortunately the Pro side is seeming quite sparse.

Not sure what's on the Pro side besides:

1. he's breathing
2. he's in NYC

yep... that's about right.

so i wasn't feeling too keen, and i decide to go to bed (broken bed) early. around midnight i get a phone call. it's eric (the ex - the very one i will be seeing all weekend). we were on the phone talking about everything for about 2 hours... everything that's going on workwise, lifewise, etc.... everything BUT the fact that i am dating someone.

but why should i even bring up the fact that i am in this pseudo relationship? granted, eric is in detroit, which stinks because everytime i talk to him i get this clenched heart feeling... not like anxiety or heartattack, more like really-warm-awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww-i-am-so-happy-to-talk-to-him feeling.

i don't know what will happen, if anything, this weekend. all i do know is that i am not opposed to things happening this weekend.

i know that sounds so evil and fickle and such since i am "technically" dating mickey (the other one's name), but i feel very hurt, confused, taken for granted, shoved aside... i could go on, but it really would be just talking myself way out of mickey. and seeing as i am pissed off at him right now, maybe it isn't fair that i am spouting forth all this stuff.

then again, it isn't fair to me to just sit around twiddling my thumbs because he lied to me either (that's it in a nutshell, wasn't like i was JUST sitting here pining for him, i was actually just concerned over the way he was so "swamped" at work)

doubtful he would ever be concerned if i were swamped at work. but will we ever find that out? operative word: doubtful.
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caffeine withdrawal at 11pm...

October 9th, 2000

hello all...all 3 of you out there reading this...

i spoke to my boyfriend tonight. in fact i was writing him a novel when he called.

i told him pretty much all feelings stated in the previous post... all is swell, he pretty much told me he still trusts me, and not to think so much... i know i shouldn't think so much and beat things into the ground...it's just the way i am. i analyze.... i put the anal in analyze.

he told me he really cares for "Cocky Girl" but detests "Insecure Girl"... i am going to create a superheroine that is insecure and then her superpower makes her confident as all heck... yes, that's what i will do. if one positive thing has come out of this it is that idea...

here's something though, the ex just IM'd me on the aol... i should have told him about the boyfriend situation. did i? no. why didn't i? why?

i have my first day of work tomorrow in about 9.5 hours.... YAY!! g'nite.

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confessions of a caffeine addict at 2:30am...

October 8th, 2000

Well, well... looky here... it's 2:28 in the A.M. and even though I HAD a bucket of Dunkin Donuts Lake Michigan sized coffee at 4pm I am still wide awake.... sort of.

All I know is that I had an urge to write a page for my site ... about what? That IS the question. No Idea.

I realize that I am using capital letters on this page.... ENOUGH WITH THAT... hello, e.e. cummings, i resurrect your spirit to shun the capitals in my mind. (Did I mention that Dunkin Donuts coffee loaded with a truckload of sugar makes me loopy? did i tell you that? huh? no, you probably already guessed it by now.

hmmmm.... let's see.... monday, ahhhh monday the 9th, i start working at digitas. i am extremely pumped for this! this being my last night that i can stay awake and jack up my internal sleep schedule/body clock/whatever you want to call it, then wake up sunday at 4pm and freak because i don't have a nice new fall ensemble to wear on my first day of sch... work. me thinks i will be trekking down to old navy, picking up some cheapass outfit (because OH hello!!! Xceed is really putting the screws to me about my "referral check".... in brief... at xgreed i referred a friend of mine, Johnny Storm, they hired him, and after he was there 90 days i was "supposed" to get my check. his 90 days were completed on august 31st. hey look at that~! it's october 8th... we both got laid off on sept. 15th, but that was "not a problem, you will get your check on september 29th, erin"... since he had completed the 90 days, right? following me? i know - i know it's a little tough to swallow middle of the night bitching and moaning when the writer is wacked on caffeine... so be it. NOW they are saying to me "um... the guy that signs the checks left last friday (they have known he was leaving a few weeks prior) and now we need howard tullman the new ceo to sign it and he's in chicago" -- do check out his site, especially the pez collection... yes, i said pez.

so here i am, living off my piddily 2 weeks severence pay, counting my chickens too damn early by counting on that check to be signed and delivered by the keystone cops. i won't even get into the fiasco about my 401k plan... more like 401k-y, because i am being screwed for that, too.

bright side... i will be employed again starting monday, with a better company, better $$, better everything (i hope).... so i just wish i could wipe my hands clean of that darned X place. *sigh*

that off my chest, what else can i go on and on about? let's see, this saturday is my mom's birthday. i can't visit her that day, because in a fit of anger a few weeks ago aimed towards the guy i am currently dating, i agreed to go to a wedding with my EX-boyfriend who i still have feelings for and vis a versa, but definitely cannot act on them. he is coming out from detroit on friday the THIRTEENTH (that should tell me something, shouldn't it? crap.) staying over my apartment and then we are going to the wedding.

therapists would be saying right now, "she is writing on here because she wants to be caught by the current boyfriend and have him say he doesn't want her to go because he has strong feelings for her".

i did tell him that the ex is coming out, not sure if i mentioned that he is staying over. i may have forgotten that part.

he said he trusts me. therapists would actually be correct when they think i want him to try and stop me from going, and have a big scene about he and i and bla bla bla, the dysfunctional crazy girl in me wants to have that. wants to have him get flustered and spout forth deep feelings, flip the claddagh back to where it should be facing my heart, etc. etc. part of me is sort of glad that he "trusts me". sort of like a license for me to trust myself... do i? did i mention to the ex that i am in a relationship (2 months today in fact) with someone? no. do i want to mention this? that's the thing, part of me is holding back, thinking, gee, i can keep my options open... part of me doesn't want to keep my options open. i dunno, i am really confused, the 'boyfriend' - current - i think he cares, there is just this feeling of nonchalant-ness that unsettles me, and i guess lately i have been questioning him about how much he cares for me, because i want to know exact feelings, i want to be reassured, i want to know that i am not gonna do something stupid with the ex because i know i am really cared for by the current one. i sound loopy, sorry. ugh.

as for the ex. there are feelings that never went away on my part. it has been 3 years since i have seen him. in fact it has been such a long time that i have forgotten WHY we broke up. out of sight out of mind - that can't be good. and a wedding might not be the best place to go out for the 1st time in forever, with emotions and drinking and sharing a hotel room and all.

god though, i really care for the one i am seeing now, i really do. i have always been very fickle about guys. always. but i haven't cheated on anyone except for the ONE time when i was 17, and i learned my lesson.

but did i really learn it? this friday, saturday and sunday will be a real test to will power. seriously. dammit. i should not even have this seed planted in my head...damn.

am i going to this JUST to make the new one jealous? is he capable of jealousy? do i want to experience his jealousy? do i want to not be trusted? do i want to ruin whatever there is between us because of my ex - someone i already ran the course with til the end of that relationship? what the hell happened that made the ex and i break up? dammit i need to remember.

and i have ex-ex's calling me now too, one called on friday afternoon, and i told him this story and he's like "i give it 3 weeks til you dump him" so he's wanting to place bets on the demise of the relationship. great. i had another ex call me 2 weeks ago - a week before he got married - to tell me he still cares for me. come on, MEN, what are you people trying to do to me? send me into a hormone death spiral???

the current boy, he left my place today at 4pm. yes, the exact sametime i got coffee. we were supposed to go out last night because we hadn't seen each other since sunday - so, he calls me friday morning to tell me he has to go to the yankee game with the boys from work. i understand, so we made plans to meet up after the game. fine.

yadda yadda yadda, we meet up at the pub, with his friends. all i wanted, while i like some of those people and all, all i wanted to do with him last night was have a nice dinner, maybe catch a movie, not drink, low-key, y'know? not meet up at 12:30am in a pub.

the pub closes, and i, trying to be the FUNNY girl say 'hey, let's go to a strip club'... yes. my bad. seeds planted in all noggins. MY boy actually has a VIP pass to a club... did NOT expect THAT. that threw me.

i go to the ladies' room and when i come back, he is near the stage, not near our table, shoving $$ into some russian broad's g-string...

i know. as i realize, big mouth bennett HAD to get the laugh by getting the guys to go to a strip club. ass.

then the russian bitch, excuse me, broad comes over and starts talking to him like they are old friends.... crap.

hi, can you say bile building up and me wanting to choke her, especially when she sat on his lap and took a sip of his drink? once again, my fault. granted, he did tell her, hey this is my girlfriend go sit on the other guy's lap... and she still didn't get up... i gave her a smile complete with a "get the fuck off of him glare" and she got up. (perhaps i want to see if he can experience the same feelings of competition - no, competition is not a good word... it is jealousy...i am not trying to play games here, seriously, i don't want to ... i think i am just feeling taken for granted, and need to see that he doesn't take me for granted and does experience the same pangs i do, that i DO affect him in some way as far as the heart is concerned)

he DID say that he hasn't been to that place since before we started dating, so... i believe him. really i do.

and here i am yapping away about all this nonsense on my site. i am sure that once i start working again i will not be so insecure and won't think so damned much.

anyone (if anyone is in fact reading this, odds are: none - i have seen my stats) want to offer some advice to me? besides "Quit drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee."

It's now 3:51 A.M. good night.
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October 5th, 2000

Sitting here watching the Vice Prez debates. Debating with myself about which of the two I least am annoyed by. Which one I am least frightened of. This is the same criteria I expect to vote for the Prez with.

Which one will not make a complete ass of our country when off our soil... hell, for that matter, while ON our soil. As a comedian, I should be hoping for the bigger Boob to win... but I am not a political comedian, so I want the smarter, less evil candidate to win. Sure Social Security and taxes matter to me, but my main thing is the lesser of two evils.

I feel that MY life has been better over the last 8 years... is it because of the Dems? Is it because I actually have gained more experience in my career? I was still in college when Clinton was elected in '92, graduating that December. Did my OWN talent get me where I am, rather than the fact that the Clinton/Gore team has done great things? Or would people say that the reason I have a job -- besides talent -- is because companies are more prosperous, hence, able to hire designers/art directors because of the trust in the leadership of the U.S.?

Who knows, I feel that I have been lucky to have started out my career-life during a period in history where the country HAS been on an upswing... and thanks to Gore for creating the Internet :} or else I wouldn't have a job...but I also feel that I am a kick-ass designer! (getting cocky in my old age)

Their views on abortion were typically different. I could rant and rave about "staying out of my uterus" and all, but I shan't - it gets old - I am pro-choice, I don't wish to see people go out and have unnecessary abortions though. For instance, I don't agree with them (abortions) when they are performed as birth control instead of using the pill or condom, etc. I do agree that those under 18 should be able to go without parental consent, otherwise there will be girls shipped off for 9 months having babies and jacking up their life as the guy is just hanging out playing football, partying while life goes on normally.

I think that women's clinics should NOT have zealots with poster board and photos of fetuses standing outside screaming at girls and women that they are evil and are going to hell. RU-486, perhaps, would cut out that shameful walk to the clinic, where the women ALREADY feel like crap for what is about to be done, and these God-fearing people, so holy and christian, are judging and screaming with spittle flying from their lips and disdain in their eyes.

I remember attending a Bush (the Daddy) rally in '92 outside the Hotel Atop the Bellevue in Philly, standing with the N.O.W. people and happy that the news cameras had me in their site. (Unfortunately, the camera angle that WAS shown on the news was of me chanting in front of the ACT UP people, and everyone back at school was like "erin are you a lesbian?? we didn't know!" *sigh* didn't have many dates after that.)

I could go on, and perhaps I shall at another time... but I have to see the polls that are coming in about the VP debate....
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baby, it's been a while...

October 4th, 2000

So, I am sitting here, it's 7:26pm EST. I have been unemployed since September 15th. Believe me, it's a blessing... it's been more like a vacation than anything else.

Here's the skinny... (Cliff Notes Style) I used to be part of a company called methodfive. methodfive was eaten by a horrible corporate empire named Xceed. Xceed being evil and all, I was not happy... but... I decided to give it a chance, stick with it, see if it got better... it didn't. They laid off 40% of the company on 09/15/2K.

I was hired by, and I start on October 9th at, Digitas.com which should be sweeeeeeet. I cannot wait to start fresh and new.

What else has been going on? Remember in the last rant when I said:

" I don't think I am prone to falling so damn fast into that crazy well called "Love" as I used to be...I've tripped over it once or twice, caught a bad sprain, but was back on my feet and walking steadily a few days later." ?

Well, I am now bedridden in a full blown body cast because of it.

So much for playing things cool. Within a week and a half, I was smitten... Damn.

It is all Xceed's doing, too. If I hadn't HATED it there, I never would have met the new boy. He's my recruiter.

So, all things do happen for a reason. I actually met him on August 1st, ranted to him about the heartbreak. Bantered with him like Hepburn and Tracey, have fought with him like a wildcat and an elk. Have cried to him like a complete co-dependant freak. All lovely qualities, hmmmm? ugh.

Have you ever dealt with someone that IS calm. That doesn't succumb to bouts with jealousy, who actually seems to be strong. Well, this is him. But he's almost too strong for his own good... okay for MY own good. Dagnabit. There HAS to be a happy medium between apathy and potential stalkerism, right? I think we have to find it, or else this thing is being driven into the ground like a stake .

And being unemployed, I have more time to focus on him.

This is NOT good. I am trying to calm myself down and focus on me - it's hard.

(hey everyone, don't worry, I skipped a hell of a lot, you missed stuff, I just got fake nails and it hurts to type, so bear with me, i feel like an idiot with these things... betcha i snap 'em off in 3 days)

He makes my stomach actually leap up and down like a frantic puppy whenever I see him, whether it be up close or when I spot him walking toward me from a block away. He makes my cheeks hurt from smiling so much, yet he also can make my heart ache when he says he loves me yet he's scared. He flipped my claddagh ring over (which, TO ME, that is a really special thing, sure others MAY find it silly, i don't...) Then he flipped it back to it's upright position 3 weeks later....

What the hell? I really wish my fingers were bloated that night "Um... no... sorry, you can't turn it back, it's stuck." (memo to self: eat more salt)

I feel as if I am taking that first step out of the plane again... not knowing if I will have a brilliant experience with him, or have my heart plummet 10,000 feet to it's demise. All I know is that I want to jump with him to experience this crazy feeling I am having, whether it be a short ride or a long journey. I really should have seen who I was getting to pack my chute. *sigh*

GAK. I am getting really mushy, and as I type this an ominous thunderstorm is arriving so I shall save, upload, and shut this down so I can be safe and watch the West Wing.

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