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wb051432

I went to Reiki for the second time and it was amazing! Not going to get all into it – but, I told her NOTHING about what was going on with me — she wound up focusing on my left knee (hello. that’s the bad knee) and then my throat chakra (hey I have been having a creative block with expressing myself with this one web design) and then my abdomen she kept coming back to – 5 times – she said there was a lot of energy going on there and that she was like “I wonder if she’s pregnant?” —- then afterwards, I told her that I am getting my “friend” today. She said “THAT will do it.”

So my intentions that I was focusing on were Abundance, Love and Perfect Health…

As I was paying at the receptionist, they asked how I did during my session and I said great and that I’m pretty sure my creative blockage was lifted. They asked me what I do for a living. I told them. They looked at each other and then asked if I had a card because they are looking for a new web designer. yes. *boom* there’s my card.

Then I went to my car… turned my phone back on and my phone reads my texts out loud.

lowbalance_mom

 

I burst into tears — NOT because it said “low balance” BUT because PNC Bank was Gigglemom’s bank… and October 14th is Gigglemom’s Birthday….

I went home – checked the calendar — The last time that October 14th fell on a Friday was in 2011 — that was her last birthday alive.

Here’s the thing — I’ve gotten texts from PNC Bank about her balance regularly – the last being a week ago… and it read “July 10th”

This was Gigglemom sending me a message.

Okay… and then I was on the phone with one of my clients about 45 minutes ago and he said that he wants me to design a website for someone else that he’ll pay me for.

and THEN the mailman came with a check that I had not been expecting.

#Abundance #Amazing #Reiki

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more poetry. this was 1991. Junior year of college.

———

dammit…

the motor’s running they screamed i didn’t care i was in my own world where only i was important quite a change hurry up dammit they cried i didn’t care they weren’t in my world this place catered to me all i had to do was sit and eat mallomars we’re late they bellowed i didn’t care i was listening to my personal choir sing me lullabies and hush me to sleep you are so slow they said as their headsbegan to shake their way into my world their fingers pointed at me through the breaking mist their steps broke the boundaries between my world and theirs they grabbed my arms and dragged me out out of my imagination they looked back and spat on my dreams

 

 

-epb

 

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hah I was going through some of my poetry from around 20+ years ago… man I was fucked up… here’s one I wrote when I was in college around 1990

————-

hell…

she talks to herself the conversation is becoming quite intense. a fight has erupted. violence. she’s beating herself up – mentally. blaming herself for things in the past. torturing herself for what’s happening presently. assuming the worst will happen in the future. yet the worst is actually taking place as she speaks. she is an enemy of herself. breaking down what is left of her brittle shell of self-love. fighting all that is left of her esteem. mentally kicking herself in the gut. feeling wretched about her life, wretched enough to vomit. it’s a circle, a never-ending spiral plummeting towards Hell. or is this hell? nothing could be worse than hating yourself. not giving yourself a chance to be forgiven.

it is hell.

feeling as if you are on this planet just standing watching others succeed. watching everything you do crumble before your eyes. paranoia sets in and everyone is against you, laughing and sneering ridiculing you. you take it to heart and the cycle continues as you go against yourself. the same words said by others are now being repeated over and over by the one person i am afraid of – by the one i don’t want to disappoint – by the one and only person i believe –

me.

-epb

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last-will-and-testament

Well, last night I was awake along with my brain until 5am (perhaps I should correct myself and say “this morning” instead) — some time around 2am, I was laying in bed & gigglepup was sleeping and was breathing in a way that made me actually look over to see if it was Gigglemom in the room. Yeah. It was that similar… and you know how ghosts like to play tricks… anyway, it was just the dog.

So that, coupled with the fact that I kinda haven’t had enough cash to get my refill on my Lexapro since Wednesday sort of put my noggin into overdrive with the racing thoughts.

Yay. I knew I should’ve taken my cherry-flavored nyQuil before I went to sleep so I wouldn’t have to deal with that stuff.

So what was the topic of worry that kept me awake?

Death. not others… but my own. Not so much being afraid of death, but having a lack of organization…

1. Hey. Still single. No kids. Just have my gigglepup.

My Aunt Toni is my emergency contact… I should probably mention to her that I want to be cremated… That is, if my body is found and Gpup hasn’t devoured me already.

2. I work for myself… I am worried for my clients

So there’s no IT person to crack a code or another designer to pick up the slack if anything – God Forbid – ever happens to me.

Yes, all of my clients have their passwords and everything, but, they don’t have all of the original files for photoshop, dreamweaver, illustrator, etc. (the ones that I’ve started doing stuff in WPress are a little luckier…)

Not for nothing (and Aunt Toni, if you’re reading this, don’t be offended, but you know you really aren’t totally computer savvy so I think I need to have someone else handle the techie part of my death — NOT THAT I AM PLANNING ON DYING — just listing all the crap that was buzzing in my head in the wee hours of the morning) — I think I will need to have my external hard drive sent to either the manager of one of my main clients or I need to talk to one of my trustworthy computer friends to confiscate this stuff and I’ll have an envelope with instructions and contact info… OR I will have envelopes for clients with a recommendation of another great web person…

See? Told ya’ this shit was crazy-sounding!

3. I don’t have a Will… or a Living Will.

It’s really not necessary… I don’t have a house… I don’t have a bank account overflowing with cash (UNTIL later tonight when I win the Powerball… fuck… I swear to God, if that “Isn’t It Ironic” song comes true, I will be pissed.)

Okay… WHEN I win the Powerball, I will draft up a Will. In the meantime, eh, Aunt Toni, enjoy my couch and my MINI Cooper. Also, I’ve gotta tell people about my storage unit…

Around 4am was when I was thinking to myself… “how will I get the proper storage unit code and key information to them?” — okay, yeah, now that I’ve slept, it’s pretty much a no-brainer and I can just write the crap down and make a spare key — or better yet, I need to clean that unit out anyway and stop paying the $50/month for it.

As far as a Living Will – I should probably get one of those drawn up… I saw how important that was with Gigglemom. All I know is (since I haven’t won the Powerball YET) that I am cool with being a DNR.

4. Gigglepup won’t have a mom.

That’s the one thing that I’ve already discussed and lined up… Giggleneighbor upstairs is her Godmother and she & GPup get along like peas and carrots… so, no worries there.

5. That’s about it.

Around 4:45am I DID wind up taking a swig of the cherry-flavored nyQuil so it kinda shut this crap up in my head and I didn’t delve into it any more until I started writing it here.

So basically, the main thing I am worried about is making sure my clients are set & secure with stuff for their websites.

AGAIN… I am not planning on kicking the bucket, taking a dirt nap or pinin’ for the fjords.

I really need to get my Lexapro refilled though.

 

 

 

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gigglechickinteractive.com

As most of you know, I design websites for comedians (For those who don’t know this… click here and then come back.)

Anyway… I’ve been a web designer since 1997 and after working for a few companies and designing big time corporate stuff, I finally branched out on my own in 2005 because I’d started designing websites for folks in the comedy world.

I have had this one client – who I adore – since 2006 and who, prior to my working for him, I was in awe of. Still am.

The thing is – and the reason why I am writing at the moment – even though it’s been around 8 years that we’ve teamed up, I am still floored by the fact that when we speak on the phone (which is often, usually around 3am and that’s cool by me) he actually asks for my input and respects my opinions.

That’s the thing… why am I floored by that? Because he’s brilliant, yet wants to know what I think?

Know what I think about that? I think that it says a crapload about how my self-esteem is not exactly at the level that it SHOULD be.

It’s pretty kick ass to know and feel you’re appreciated by others… why the heck do I have a hard time appreciating myself? Or viewing myself the way others do?

I have 17 years of web design under my belt… yet, in my head, I get so down on myself sometimes that my brain psychs myself out and tries to make me feel like I have no business doing this stuff.

Yes. This is ridiculous.

I have a ton of clients who are awesome (including the one that I mentioned before) and I am glad that they’ve stuck by me… why the heck do I wind up putting myself down in my own noggin?

SO… this is my thing… I am going to pull my self-confidence up by my bootstraps — I know that I can design and code and all that good stuff… and I am not going to keep selling myself short in my head.

**********

Anyone else feel like they do that to themselves??? I want to know!

**********

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Okay… have we noticed a slight theme here with the “check for that check” posts? I kinda am not rolling in dough. This has to change.

So… I’m hoping that this 52-week Money Challenge gives me a bit of a boost… (seeing as winning the Powerball hasn’t really panned out thus far.)

Since it’s January 31st, I have a whopping $15 folded up and tucked into the bottom of a jar (I folded it really small so I wouldn’t see it right away and be itching to spend it.)

Grab a jar & add to it the amount it says to deposit that week.

Grab a jar & add to it the amount it says to deposit that week.

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yeowch!

Over the past month, I’ve had the flu or the black plague. It’s hard to tell. All I know is that I don’t have health insurance… not that this warranted me going to the doctor.

At one point I had a 101.2 fever, but, I slept it off… it’s the hacking cough and incessant feeling that my schnozz is in constant need of being blown (yes. the 12 year old kid in me just giggled at that… let’s move on) that is really starting to put the wear and tear on my body…

why?

because every time I blow my nose, one of my top right molars aches because it feels like I am causing so much pressure that a filling is loosening.

oh.. by the way.. I haven’t had dental insurance since 2006 right before I ventured out on my own with gigglechickinteractive.com

Anyway, going back to the filling…

This tooth, that I feel the porcelain is about to explode from, has a history.

Cut to the late 90’s… my dentist, that I’d had since I was a kid, wound up having a heart attack and dying. Which is horrible.

Even worse than that… I had to find a new dentist.

So, in 1999, when I was working in NYC, I read through the list of dentists that my insurance covered… saw some nice Irish names which filled me with a sense of solidarity and calm because they were from the Motherland.

Because when searching for dental healthcare, one really should look to the Irish for their stellar teeth [note: this is foreshadowing sarcasm]

The first visit was alright… the cleaning, the x-rays, etc. They found a cavity… on one of my top right molars.

So I came back the next week to get it taken care of.

Mind you, I need nitrous oxide to keep calm in The Chair, I’d already made sure when I’d made the appointment that they offered that delicacy… yes. yes they did. Good.

The appointment was for 6pm… for some reason, the dentist didn’t have his hygienist (or assistant…) in the room with me and I didn’t really think anything of it. Whatever. Just fix my tooth and get it over with.

I say “I’d asked for the laughing gas” and he said “oh. uh…well… okay.” and gets set up….

He turns on the nitrous… and then he starts singing show tunes… really. I wasn’t hallucinating that.

Then he proceeds to get the Novocaine ready and starts sticking the needle all willy nilly in my mouth. It just didn’t feel like he was in the right area when he was doing that, he shot up the bottom right, but, hey, I’m not the professional, who am I to tell him how to do his job?

Then the drill comes out… and he proceeds to start drilling on my top right molar.

HOLY MOTHER CUSSING HELL!!!!!!!

STOP!!!! STOP!!!

(technically, it sounded like screaming guttural noises since I had a semi numb mouth and a gas mask on)

He didn’t stop. He kept drilling and said “Suck it up… I’m almost done.”

Blinding pain that had me jumping out of my skin…. then I started hyperventilating which made the whole laughing gas situation start giving me a “bad trip”…

He added the filling goop (more pain) as tears were pouring out of my eyes.

Then he said that I needed to come back for another appointment…. I didn’t.

——————————————–

Cut to 2004 when the same tooth started giving me guff again (wait. let me clarify… it had constantly ached since the “Irish Dentist” incident) and I was living down the shore again, taking care of Gigglemom.

My tried and true dentist was still dead. I was still in need of a decent one.

So, as I was driving one day, I heard a radio ad for a local dental office… and made an appointment… because after Irish Dentists, the next best thing is to go for Radio Advert Dentists.

Went for the first visit. Yadda Yadda, cleaning, x-rays… yep they had to fix that same tooth. Yes, they offered laughing gas.

I go back 3 days later… the dentist who I hadn’t met comes in…

Now, I’m not trying to sound racist, it was 2004, only a few years after 9/11, and the female dentist comes in wearing a Burqa.

Okay, Erin, chill… don’t get all uptight, it’s just a different religion… not something I expected to see in Toms River, NJ, though.

So, I say that I want the nitrous and she tries talking me out of it. I am adamant. So, I hear her talking with some assistant in the hallway… sounded like there was confusion, followed by instructions and then someone getting a tank and bringing it into the room.

um….. what the?

now I am more nervous than I had been.

okay… so the gas mask is on me… but i’m starting to feel a bit off… and not in the normal “yay, nitrous!” way.

she does the Novocaine – which was injected into the proper areas this time.

Then she begins drilling…. I start getting slightly sick, woozy feeling so she had to stop and turn down the gas… apparently she had turned it up to the highest level… which isn’t good.

Alright… now I’m feeling a little better, back to drilling…

all of a sudden, I feel the pressure of the drill on my tooth STOP and at the same time feel something in the back of my throat.

THE FUCKING DRILL BIT FELL OFF OF THE DRILL AND WAS PAST MY UVULA.

then I start coughing and that’s when Dr. Burqa reaches in with her gloved hand and fishes the bit from my throat.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t get up and run out of that place until the filling was finished.

——————————————–

I haven’t been to a dentist since 2006 when I went to Dr. Little in Sea Girt who is AWESOME… he fixed my tooth, I didn’t have to ask for laughing gas, they had the nitrous already hooked up and flowing freely… no drill bits being swallowed or show tunes being sung. Just a perfect visit. My tooth has been great for the past 8 years…

It’s just that now I’ve been sneezing my fillings loose over the past month.

Every time I have to blow my nose now, I have to grit my teeth to keep the pressure on it.

Do you know how difficult it is to blow your nose with clenched teeth?

I have a feeling that I am going to have to get Dental Insurance and head back to Dr. Little soon.

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mailbox

*cue theme music*

Announcer: It’s time to play “Is The Check In Erin’s Mailbox!!!???”

**crowd goes wild**

Announcer: Okay, Erin, you know the drill… you just saw your mailman drop stuff off, head out there and…

Audience: “CHECK….. FOR….. THAT…. CHECK!!!”

**suspenseful music plays**

**mailbox hinge creaks**

Erin: Awwww… nothing but a catalog to a wig store that Gigglemom bought a joke toupee from 6 years ago

**Audience Groans**

Announcer: Sorry, Erin. Join us tomorrow when we….

Audience: “CHECK….. FOR….. THAT…. CHECK!!!”

**Applause**

**Camera Pans to Close-Up of Erin’s tear-soaked face.**

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Today I had the pleasure of heading to the Los Angeles Auto Show and sitting in on the press conference where they unveiled the 2014 MINI to everyone (not just to the lucky few that were at the amazing launch party last evening.)

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The New Original was still traveling incognito and sporting his cheeky pair of shades whilst every seat in the presser was being filled up quickly.

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While we all waited with baited breath, we were able to view some awesome clips from past MINI Events like MINI Takes The States 2012… (Not for nothing, but, I am certainly looking forward to MTTS ’14 when we will be trekking along with The New Original.) In one of the clips, I spotted a Yorkshire Terrier named Maggie who belongs to my friend Nancy Homer who is a member of the SoCal MINI Maniacs club… I met her on MTTS 2010 — not for nothing, it tickled me to see friends (and pups) who I haven’t seen since trekking across the country in our MINIs…. it really IS a family who has a unique bond with one another.

 

Of course, there were clips of people and their MINIs as well!

 

The future is bright and the MINI had to wear shades, but it was time to take them off and show himself to the world!

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We found out that as of this year MINI has reached a milestone…. that you will find out about in this clip:

 

Anders Warming stepped forward to say a few words about the design and assured everyone that the “character of the design has been maintained” and that the “soft, friendly view of the bonnet and the hexagonal-shaped grill is still building a face but is something that is new.”

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The Body, The Greenhouse and the Roof of the MINI are still iconic as the greenhouse cascades down to the body. The side view of the new MINI still maintains its silhouette while having a longer wheelbase and a front end that is just a touch longer than previous MINI iterations.

The interior of the new MINI features an array of new materials from plaid to really soft and sustainable material.

After the chat concluded, you would’ve thought that [insert the name of whatever celebrity you would run towards and attempt to photograph and touch] had graced the stage. People started leaping out of their seats and running towards the New MINIs to check ‘em out.

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The siblings of the New MINI were also at the Auto Show today…

Near & dear to my heart is the MINI Convertible (my own 2005 MINI convertible, “Phooka” is back in New Jersey waiting for me to come home)

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One of the really cool features of the MINI exhibit at the Auto Show is the larger-than-life MINI Connected center instrument that is a giant replica of the one that is found in the New MINI. When you are at the Auto Show this week, you can play around with it and see what happens!

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Jim McDowell was on hand and speaking with the press…. so I had to eavesdrop. First of all, let me say this, if you know the secret handshake, go up to him and say hello!

What I overheard him say (and it made my heart grow 3 sizes with happiness and pride of being a MINI owner) was:

MINI owners are the greatest! They haven’t lost their inner child. They are quirky, extroverted and know what they want.

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Of course, I did schlep through the other parts of the L.A. Auto Show…. I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little biased towards my MINI folks…

I mean… MINI didn’t need to have a fish tank installed to have people say “ooooooooh”

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Personally, I prefer the MINI’s “wings” & grill over Bentley’s any day of the week. (uhhhhhhh…. no offense, Bentley)

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The past couple of days have been spectacular! Being able to be a part of The New MINI. The New Original. Launch Party last night and then hanging at the Auto Show and hearing everyone’s positive comments about the newest edition, it’s something that I will never forget.

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The interview on YouTube

I spoke with Anders Warming, Head of Design for the new 2014 MINI Cooper about what his favourite part of the car is….. this was on 11/19/2013 at the launch of #MINItheneworiginal at the Kim Sing Theatre in Los Angeles

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